Don't feed the river-monsters

Due to some kind of magical phenomenon possibly involving the sheer force of Liz's will, South Korean horror film Gwoemul, aka The Host, made it as far south as Fort Lauderdale last weekend for two whole days. The closest it had come to Miami before this was Atlanta, so naturally Liz had to stop editing movies for a few hours to go see it.

To say that this movie is about a mutant fish monster that eats people is to say that Pan's Labyrinth is about a girl who sees fairies. The Host is about a quirky family and how they react to the loss of one of their own; the style is similar to Little Miss Sunshine, with its multiple character arcs and oddball antics, but of course it's a whole other genre so the pacing and suspense are structured like a typical monster flick. Even so, the film's surprises are actually, well, surprising, unlike the canned scares that have unfortunately become the norm.

It also delves into social commentary, poking fun at American interference in global affairs. One could almost call it a direct criticism of the war in Iraq; Americans barge in and cause a problem, fail to take responsibility, make things worse and don't listen to anyone who tries to reason with them. Of course, the degree to which you see this underlying message probably depends on your opinion of the war.

Liz and Valerie give this movie seven tentacles up. If you're lucky enough to be in or near a city where it's playing, you should definitely check it out.

If Liz and Valerie's opinions aren't enough to make you seek this out, keep in mind that they are not alone. The Host won 4 of the 10 Asian Film Awards this year, including Best Picture and Best Actor for Song Kang-ho. The whole world is full of love for The Host. Liz would love to see a creature-feature win Best Picture at the Academy Awards, but she's not holding her breath.

Turtle Power!

Liz and Valerie, at the prompting of friends, caught a late show of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Unlike the TV show and previous films, this one was computer-generated instead of hand-drawn or live action. Voice talents include the late, great Mako as Splinter (Valerie still gets teary-eyed thinking about him), Sarah Michelle Gellar as April O'Neil, Zhang Ziyi as the head of the Foot Clan (aka Foot Soldiers, a parody-tastic title), Patrick Stewart, Laurence Fishburne, et al.

This is certainly not an intellectually challenging movie, nor is it terribly well written. Everything moves so quickly that character development is fairly limited, and the action at the end is over so fast that it takes some time for any emotional impact to sink in. But hey, if you're watching this movie, you probably know who the characters are and what they're like, so it's fun to see where they ended up after the last time you saw them; it's kind of like catching up with old pals. ("Mikey! Dude! How's it hangin', bro?")

Liz and Valerie had a good time, and the general consensus was that it could have been much, much worse. Like maybe if Michael Bay had done it... But hey, Transformers could be good, right? Right?

600 very sexy legs

On opening night, Liz and Valerie had the pleasure of seeing Frank Miller's 300 brought to the big screen by director Zack Snyder and crew. While the effects were amazing, the colors fabulous, the action bloody and the costumes delightfully spare, Valerie feels it is most important to comment on the vast, incredible muscular spectacle that this film presented. It is the first time she can remember thinking of a movie star as having sexy legs--arms yes, chest certainly, but not legs. This is not a body part that one's libido reacts to, as a general rule.

The film had its problems, but for those who complain about things like overly dramatic dialogue and unrealistic violence, Liz and Valerie can only assume that they accidentally wandered into the wrong theater while looking for, say, Amazing Grace. This movie is not supposed to be realistic or subtle; it is supposed to be approximately two hours of hot, mostly-naked men running around with swords, killing bad guys and spouting the occasional heroic line before getting back to the death-dealing. If you're looking for a brainy experience, go watch PBS.*

That said, history buffs should note that according to the historian Heroditus, King Leonidas did indeed tell the Persian army, when asked to lay down his weapons, to "Come and get them." Also, the Liz-adored David Wenham, in his speech at the end, paraphrased the well-known epigram of Simonides: "Stranger, bear this message to the Spartans, that we lie here obedient to their laws." Valerie still remembers this phrase in Greek, because it is so awesome.

After the movie, Valerie wanted to rush home and play some World of Warcraft--rawr! Liz, on the other hand, wanted to have some Spartan babies. This is proof that they are not, in fact, the same person, despite what some people may think.

*Please note, Valerie dearly loves PBS and listens to NPR regularly, so this statement is not meant to impugn PBS in particular or brainy activities in general.

Ahhh...the French

For the past five years, the Miami International Film Festival has paid tribute to some pretty awesome directors. This year the tribute was for the wonderful Luc Besson. Liz was lucky enough to be able to go to the tribute last night at the beautiful Gusman theatre in Downtown Miami. The film screened was Angel-A, a beautiful story shot in black & white. Luc was there and he talked to the audience about his beginnings and about the personal nature of this film. It’s a story about finding your inner beauty and accepting who you are. Liz learned some other interesting things about Luc, like how French critics really hate him, but French audiences love him. He’s never received a tribute in his native France, which is silly because he totally rocks. Liz is still super excited about getting to see Luc in person (though she didn’t get to touch him, which is probably better – no restraining orders). So, now’s the time to go and rewatch your favorite Luc Besson film. Liz and Valerie are torn between Leon and The Fifth Element. Liz watches Nikita on a regular basis, so no need to view that right now. If you haven’t seen Arthur and the Invisibles (Arthur and the Minimoys if you’re not in America), you should check it out. Liz is off to see another film at the MIFF tonight that stars Gabriel Byrne. Good thing he’s not in town. Valerie really doesn’t want to have pay Liz’s bail.

News du Jour

Sadly, Liz has discovered that the writers of The Departed have purchased the rights to remake another Andrew Lau film. The "lucky" winner of that prize goes to Confessions of Pain, a fairly new flick starring Tony Leung and Takeshi Kaneshiro that is currently winning awards all over the place. Apparently, Hollywood has pumped the remake wells dry here in the US, so the only option is to go abroad seeking idea-rich lands to conquer. No, Liz and Valerie are not bitter, they are merely mildly unhappy with the status quo. Move along, nothing to see here.

Hearing-impaired Japanese preview audiences are complaining that, somewhat ironically, the Japanese portion of Babel, which features a hearing-impaired character, isn't subtitled like the rest of the film. Consequently, they are having trouble understanding what's going on. The distribution company claims it will try to fix this problem prior to the film's release in Japan.

Lame: King of Kung Fu, the title of the new Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie based on Journey to the West, which is a much better title. Cool: Yuen Wo-Ping is on as action choreographer.

News du Jour

The Wachowski brothers (The Matrix, V for Vendetta) plan to start shooting a live-action version of Speed Racer in June. For those who loved the anime, this may be a good or bad thing. For those who didn't love the anime, this may be a good or bad thing. Liz and Valerie are wondering who will play the chimp.

In other news, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army should begin filming in May. Although Guillermo Del Toro didn't win the much-deserved Oscar for Best Foreign Film, Liz and Valerie know that he's amazing and will continue to make extremely awesome movies for them to enjoy.

As of now, Tom Cruise might star in Zack Snyder's adaptation of Alan Moore's masterpiece Watchmen. He would allegedly be Ozymandias. Pray to whatever god you believe in that this does not come to pass. If Zack needs help coming up with other actors who are infinitely better suited to the role, Liz and Valerie are happy to oblige.

This is news to Valerie, if not to everyone else, but apparently there are plans to make Paradise Lost into a big-budget movie. Yes, the one that Milton wrote. Yes, the one about Lucifer and the fall of man. Under consideration for the role of Lucifer are Daniel Craig and Heath Ledger, who are both hot and blond and thus excellent choices. Now it only remains to be seen whether this will ever make it out of production hell, pun most certainly intended.

The Force is strong with this one's wallet

Someone with a lot of spare cash and love for Star Wars has paid 54,000 pounds, approximately $103,000, for the brown robe that Sir Alec Guinness wore in the aforementioned film. Liz and Valerie assume that the lightsaber gashes were repaired after Darth Vader went slash-happy, because the cloak has allegedly been used in other productions, including The Mummy.

Apparently, no one realized where the cloak had come from until recently, when George Lucas' army of mutant ninjas attempted to retrieve the valuable paraphernalia from the warehouse in which it was stored. Luckily, only two guards were killed in the fracas, and the cloak is now in the possession of some happy auction-goer. He should watch his back; Liz and Valerie hear that those ninjas are tenacious.

Where in the world are Liz and Valerie?

It has been nearly a month since the last update, loyal Candle readers. Liz and Valerie have been working long, hard hours at their respective jobs, and they will likely continue to do so for some time to come. Such is the life of the young and hungry, who have to fulfill important bodily requirements like fried chicken and Netflix.

But take heart, for things will not be so forever. Put down the remote. Don't click over to YouTube to watch Handbanana again, because that is sick. Just keep hitting Refresh and it will all work out.